I am writing this because I wish I had read it 7 years ago. That’s all. So should you get divorced? Are you feelings valid?
It is written to all, but I am writing it as a man and it will be male biased, for those who are considering separation and divorce but it equally applies to anyone who has divorced or going through one. We can only hope others read it to gain some insight into the feelings many men have mid and post divorce. We are not blaming anyone for a relationship ending. No one sex or person is to blame. You both are.
Let’s encourage the discussion firstly around the ‘patriarchy’, a term used by many to condemn the supposed male dominance in society, mostly by ‘radical’ feminists, so we all get to express our frustrations and help the healing for men (and women).
Without doubt there are many societies and institutions and situations where women’s rights and opportunities need to be levelled up towards where men are positioned. This is cultural and historical and without question we need equal opportunities and rights globally for any gender. Without question.
The assumption is stated that this ‘Western patriarchy’ is oppressive and disadvantaging women who subsequently are destined to underachieve because men are essentially promoted over them, favour other men and do not recruit women. Many women choose (with their partner) to have a family and this invariably takes them out the employment market, some permanently. According to research only 29% of women go back to their career within 3 years of starting a family and men are the main earners 69% of couples three years after birth.
Men are not forcing this dynamic on their partners. There are common social beliefs that the western system is rigged against women and the patriachy is the principal reason.
Men are shamed into believing we hold women back, essentially in the media. There is no nuance, no balancing support of male role models, those men that have supported equality, mentors or balanced appraisal of male contribution or support for women. To some in society, men are misogynistic, toxically masculine and unsupportive. How many times do we read the phrase ” the boardroom is full of old white men” and hear about “toxic masculinity” in the media? This is acceptable apparently. The fact that they may have worked a lifetime, taking considerable personal risks, endured huge pressures, sacrificed time in fatherhood and relationships and perhaps be the most experienced and well equipped people to run a company is ignored, and not even considered. They are there because they held women back is the underlying assumption, by many.
How do you think men feel when we see daily assaults on gender regardless of how we try and support our partners and our families? We are not victims, and men have a ‘tendency’ not to moan, but at the same time most men are the not the enemy here, quite the opposite. We want our partner and daughters to achieve their dreams and goals. This is by far the view shared by men we engage with. We accept men can do more to change and elevate more women but that’s not the same as a wall of condemnation of an entire sex that many seem to engage in.
Nobody gets married expecting divorce. It’s tragic for all in many ways but it’s not the end of the world. Our culture makes us feel however it’s the equivalent of some horrific failing and let’s be honest the concept of divorce is questionable in the first place. That’s another blog.
The divorce system is set to divide assets and ensure the wellbeing of children. The very same resentment some women feel at leaving the employment market to have children is felt by some men on divorce but has little to no voice. Huge amounts of men are finding it difficult to achieve joint custody (particularly acute in the USA) or are simply unable to provide it due to work commitments. Arguably, it is not entirely positive for children to be shipped between two homes every week. How does that assist stability? I would argue it is the antithesis of it.
Further, I would argue it is usually the man who has, and decides for the benefit of the children, to leave the family home and often remain on the back foot from there on in, with little control over parenting decisions. Yet female financial equality on divorce is given regardless of who bought what into the marriage with most men remaining the main financial provider post divorce, via spousal and child maintenance. So this system appears more than ‘fair’. Yes, men can achieve joint custody, but what is actually achievable and best for the family and the children?
The financial remedy appears more than equitable in this ‘patriarchical’ system but where do men express this. Where is this represented in the media? Short answer is men are shamed into expressing it. In a world where expressing male failures and ‘toxic masculinity’ is acceptable in today’s culture there appears little positivity around men. Is it a wonder so many men are struggling with mental health and identity in this landscape?
There are hundreds of groups, celebration days, charities, networking, support workshops, social media pages all championing women. That’s fantastic. For men – de minimus, however it is pleasing to see more men’s talking groups like https://andysmanclub.co.uk/ where men are finding courage to discuss emotional issues, which according to male suicide rates in the UK is much needed. If men are better, society is better and the reason we launched http://bluemindapproach.com/
Why do we even need such gender divisiveness? Is this helping society and men/women come closer together? I doubt it. Is it encouraging dialogue? Not from what we see. Men and women benefit from same sex events and community. So let’s champion working together and be accepting of single sex events and communities for the benefits they all provide.
I am generalising of course but I am also talking about real experiences many men have shared, as it is seen as politically incorrect to share these feelings in public. Men internalise a huge loss and sadness at only getting to see their children ‘every other Wednesday and alternate weekends’, often to be used a financial bargaining pawn in settlements and because they have no choice but to work and commute. Changing jobs will often cause financial hardship to the whole family so simply put unless you want your children picked up by strangers or you can afford after school childcare, it’s most practical for the children to remain in the marital home with mum who is compensated by the father. Of course many men don’t want joint custody and many women work full time and bring up families as single parents. This is hugely impressive. Many men are also incompetent and selfish. Further, there seems to be an acceptable tide of men being branded narcissistic on social media because they left a relationship and social media is full of pages branding men narcissists. Just google ‘Narcissist’ on Instagram Pages and read through who is making the comments if you doubt this assumption. The hate is real and it’s coming from women to men and not the other way round. Relationships end. It doesn’t mean you are a narcissist for leaving an unhappy marriage. Quite the opposite.
Just as feminism strives to equalise opportunities for women, and rightly so, it should not be at the cost of penalising men for wanting to provide, build a career and being fathers, when these decisions were made between the couples before they decided to have a family.
The patriarchy is as much a function of reproduction and women’s life choices as it is the perception that all men are somehow abusing their positions to frustrate female progress. The divorce system does more than address the imbalance to the point where it often makes more sense for women to file for divorce (over 80% do) now when the marriage falters as there is no change in their parenting role but financially autonomy is often achieved, regardless of where that income came from.
” What’s better? Uncomfortable Truths or Comfortable Lies” – Mark Groves
You should agree to a separation for a period of time pre divorce and give some breathing space. This can be informal or formal. I would always recommend time apart before making any permanent decisions and one of you should go and stay with a friend or relative whilst trying to maintain normality in the life of the children.
During separation and leading into divorce we are all dealing with feelings of failure, self loathing, guilt, shame and loneliness. Here are some coping mechanisms –
Live with integrity, forgiveness and compassion as it’s your values that you live with everyday you go home from work and your values you will take to your grave. Your legacy drives a constant in your behaviour so centre on what you do for others not around your own self. It’s a powerful way to try and live and a good example to try to give to your children.
Let’s stop judging each other as a gender. Show a little compassion, but the children first and maximise our personal growth to be the best parents and individuals we can be
Good luck
USEFUL LINKS
