For quite some in my 20’s and 30’s, and probably in my teenage years, I thought happiness was something I had to earn. Once I landed that better job, saved enough money, had the car, the house and the job title or finally got my life “together,” then, I’d be able to relax and enjoy things.
But that magical “someday” never really came. No matter how much I achieved, my mind always jumped to the next thing. It was like living on a treadmill — always moving, but never arriving.
That’s when I stumbled across the concept of Deferred Living Syndrome at around aged 40 — and it hit me hard.
Deferred Living Syndrome isn’t an official diagnosis, but it perfectly describes the feeling of constantly putting life on pause until you’ve reached a certain milestone.
It’s that quiet belief that happiness lives somewhere in the future. You tell yourself:
• “I’ll travel when I have more money.”
• “I’ll start painting again when things calm down.”
• “I’ll rest once I’ve achieved my goals.”
But somehow, things never really do calm down. There’s always another project, another goal, another “after this, then I’ll…” waiting in the wings.
Wu wei : A Taoist concept that Alan Watts described as “not-forcing” or “the art of getting out of one’s own way”. This aligns with the idea of not anxiously planning or forcing the future, but instead flowing with the present moment.
Looking back, I realize I wasn’t alone in this.
We’re raised in a Western culture that celebrates hustle and productivity — where slowing down can feel almost irresponsible. We’re told that if we just grind hard enough now, we’ll get to enjoy life later. We go to school to get results to go to something and then seek to get promoted and then seek to get a house car and on and on and on…….then a dog, a wife and family, that new road bike, the extension at the back.
But the “later” keeps moving.
Sometimes we put off joy because we’re afraid — afraid that if we pause, we’ll fall behind. Or we think we don’t deserve to rest yet. Or maybe we just assume there will always be more time.
I’ve been working on unlearning my habit of postponing happiness, and while I’m definitely still a work in progress, here are a few things that have helped me reconnect with now:
Celebrate Small Moments – Joy doesn’t always show up as fireworks. Sometimes it’s your morning coffee, your pet curling up beside you, or that quiet moment before the world wakes up. I started writing down one tiny thing that made me smile each day and it changed everything.
Schedule Joy on Purpose – It sounds silly, but I literally started adding fun to my calendar — walks, phone calls with friends, time for a hobby. Because if I waited for free time to magically appear, it never would.
Redefine What Success Looks Like – Instead of measuring success by how much I’ve accomplished, I’ve started measuring it by how present I feel. Am I enjoying what I’m doing? Am I connecting with people I love? That’s success, too.
Let Go of the “Someday” Story – If I catch myself thinking “I’ll be happy when…,” I try to ask, “How can I bring a little piece of that happiness into today?”
Maybe it’s lighting a candle that smells like a vacation, or playing music while I work — small reminders that life doesn’t have to wait.
“If you are depressed, you are living in the past.
If you are anxious, you are living in the future.
If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”
— Lao Tzu
It’s such a simple truth.
Life isn’t on pause waiting for us to be “ready.” It’s happening right here, in this messy, beautiful, imperfect moment.
If you’ve been living for “someday,” please know this: you’re not behind, and you haven’t missed your chance. You can start enjoying your life today, exactly as it is.
Put down the idea that happiness lives in the next milestone.
Take a breath. Look around.
This — right now — your life.
And it’s worth living fully. Right at this moment
